BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE

Setting Boundaries In Marriage

Setting boundaries in marriage is something that we all should be doing, yet is something that is either not fully understood or misunderstood. When we get married, we are supposed to "become one in spirit and flesh". It would seem that setting boundaries would therefore not be necessary. The problem is, being human, we aren't all that good at "becoming one" and most of the time anyway we remain being two quite distinct people, but people who dearly want to get along.
A part of this getting along comes about in setting boundaries in marriage, so both partners know where they stand. It's really just a form of communication, but can be misinterpreted as something entirely different. We set boundaries to protect ourselves. In marriage we set boundaries to protect ourselves from our spouse, as well as from ourselves. Sound complicated, or maybe improper? Why should we have to protect our self from our spouse? That doesn't sound quite right.
It just gets back to this business of becoming one, which something of a puzzle to most of us. Until we figure out how to do that, and most probably don't, we have to set boundaries to protect our self. We have to draw lines in the sand, and our spouse does as well, so we both know where we stand and what is acceptable and what is not.
An example of a boundary is "you will not hit me. If you do I will leave you". This boundary simply says that one partner in the marriage will not tolerate abuse, and the consequence of such abuse is that she (or he) will leave the marriage That's a very fair boundary. Boundaries in marriage, once established, let your partner know where they stand and where you stand. Boundaries don't have to be a set of rules. As far as abuse is concerned yes, but not for most things. Boundaries indicate a person's likes and dislikes, what is comfortable and what is not, so the spouse can recognize them and respect them. When we set boundaries in marriage, we are showing not only self respect, but inviting our spouse to share in that respect, and have his or her own boundaries of respect.
Easier With Children - It's a little easier to set boundaries for our children, As they learn to become good citizens they need to have boundaries of behavior established and know what things they can do and what things they must not do. After all, we are constantly training our children, whether we call it that or not. We don't "train" our spouses though. Some try to do just that, and some spouses put up with it, but most won't. We seldom negotiate boundaries with our kids, but we need to with our spouses.
A Concept Difficult To Fully Grasp - Some boundaries are absolute - "you will not hit me", others are more flexible, and most are mutually agreed upon and seldom given a second thought. Sometimes setting boundaries can become examples of give and take, which can often lead to manipulation and a desire to gain control. That's not the purpose of boundaries in marriage.
Boundaries in marriage are somewhat of a strange breed of cat. They are important, but we seldom if ever approach the subject in a formal manner. They should be for the most part fairly obvious and for most people pretty straightforward, yet many struggle with the idea or look at setting boundaries as a means of establishing control. Others use boundaries as walls to hide behind. A line in the sand that is not a line in the sand is a concept that can be a little hard to come to terms with.

FROM: http://www.boundariesinmarriage.net/